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FOXY'S SURGERY

Tell Foxy your problems and he'll respond shortly!
Send your problems to foxy@mark-fox.co.uk

Foxy, the official mascot of Mark-Fox.co.uk, has been listening to a bit too much Jezza (don't we all) and he has offered to solve some of your problems, if you have a problem you think Foxy could help you with, whether it be physical, mental, spiritual or anything else, click here to email Foxy and he'll see what he can do.

Here's some problems he's already solved... see he's pretty good at it


Dear Doc

Quick question for ya, Do you know a good builder? I need a gazebo mending due to it being demolished by the daughter of a mad man.

Bus Stop

PS You don't even know my Skinhead friends

Foxy says:
Dear Bus stop!

I indeed know a lovely Rip of merchant/builder who recently co-starred with Matt Allright on 'Rouge Traders' Not only will he be pleased to look at your gazebo (although I feel you probably mean Pagoda) but he can introduce you to a couple of his mates who, I'm sure, would have a 'quiet chat' with neighbour concerned and 'convince' them that dropping charges would probably be the best option!

His name is 'Gripper' and I’ll forward your details to him. All skinheads are Nazis. That’s just the way it is in pretty much the same way as all bearded men (and women) are terrorists! LIFE’S JUST LIKE THAT!

Keep taking the medication.
Foxy.


Dear Doctor,

Just found out after seven years that a long lost friend of mine has been hosting various radio shows, putting on weight, drinking copius amounts of liquor and impregnating women. Why did he not tell me? Please help because I need to explain to my children who the scary man in the photos is!!

Thanks in advance, up your flaps,

The Four Eyed Bus Stop Fiend

Foxy says:
Dearest 'Bus-stop fiend.'

Time takes a cigarette and puts it in your hands; you pull on a finger another finger, then the cigarette. That’s what David Bowie would probably tell you if you asked the skinny white bastard. However I am not David Bowie and therefore my advice will be quite different. Time changes us all and although you may think your 'old' friend is now a bit fatter and balder (BTW baldness can just be a trick of the light sometimes) He may now view you as a long streak of nats piss with a propensity towards dodgy skinhead mates and football.

We all change. He probably never told you about it because he secretly thinks you’re a bit of a twat.

In the words of the 'man' again
"Fashion, turn to the left. Fashion turn to the right!"

Yours with much love
Foxy

P.S. The scary man in the picture is your mother!


Dear Dr Fox

There are 3 friends on a train thundering through France, none of them have had a good meal in days, needless to say they are all very hungry. When an opportunity comes along for two of them lets say there names could be ummm (Steve & Allen) to have a sneaky beef steak. But leaving there friend lets call him ummm (Mark) to carry on sleeping.

I need help with this one, as it's kept me awake at nights for years, what should they have done.

1. Should Steve & Allen of eaten the steak and kept it from Mark and said nothing
2. Should Steve & Allen of eaten the steak and then rubbed Marks nose in it
3. Your thoughts please

Cheers!

Steve

Foxy says:
I notice in your options that none of them include Mark eating ANY steak at all!! Hyperthetically I would imagine that Mark would be extremely upset!!!!!!!!! To find out YEARS after that 2 so called 'best mates' could be so SHITTY to someone who seems by your Email to be a VERY nice lad trying to do his best for a couple of cu%*s!! I would hope someone French Shat in your pie!!!

FOXY.


Hi Mark I woke up this morning for Sunday crumpet and had none. I now speak Spanish fluently, is there a cure.
Adios, Carlos

Foxy Says:
Dear Carlos, BonJovi, Adam Ant, Mercy Buckets popshawaddywaddy etc etc...Adlib to fade
Yours confused,
Foxy.


Dear Dr Fox
For many years I've had a compulsion for talking to complete strangers, the more the merrier!
Someone suggested that I should try internet chat rooms as a cure for my addiction, as I would most likely be overwhelmed and not able to cope.
I've been trying the chat room on your website each Friday evening, the endless hours of sitting and talking to the same two people about nothing in particular, week after week are absolutely wonderful.
My problem now, is that during the rest of the week I have no one to talk to and I am starting to hear the voices again.
Please help.

Regards
Horace

P.S. I hope your piles have stopped itching.

Foxy Says:
Dear Horace
Hearing voices in your head can be looked at in two different ways. On one hand it can be scary, painful and lead to extreme paranoia. However try to think of the positive benefits. Maybe there's nothing on the TV. or there's a long cue in Asda. We all know how irritating that can be, but hey presto! The cue just speeds away when those 'inner voices' are urging you to repeatedly and viciously stab the bloke in front of you to death
Oooh and I think you've probably mixed my chat room up with someone else's. We've never had as many as two people in at 1 time!!

All the best to you and those voices
Foxy.

P.S. My arsegrapes haven't flared up for nearly a month now. keep your fingers crossed you twisted nutter.


Well resently I've been in a very dark place personaly. Every morning when I wake up I find my mum looming over me feeding me Suger by the spoon full. (not the small spoons, the big arse spoons) Then yersterday coming back from Buger King (the food was BK. Not OK) my Penis fell off. What should I man in my possision do? Im sure lots of people have been trying to cope with these commen problems. Thanks Foxy!
Joe
Weston Supermare

Foxy Says:
Dear Joe
Don't worry to much about not having any genitals. I've met lots of people who have no bollox! but if the thought of having no 'Percy' upsets you to much then try getting a job in show business, in particular the Radio industry as there are always lots of spare dicks hanging around. Also try and think back to when your 'John Thomas' dropped off . Did it by any chance fall onto your P.C. If so check it as it may have switched your spellchecker off.
I'm sending you my leaflet 'how to survive without a knob'
Foxy


Dear Foxy,
My name is Brenda and I have Tourette syndrome which cause me to have uncontrollable outbursts. ASSHOLE!!.. I can't go near theatres or schools.. HAHA VULVA!.. I was wondering if u could give me any advice of how I can be in public without having these outbursts. SCROTUM LICKER!!

Cheers, Brenda. SHIT, SHIT TRAP. FART DILDO!! BIG BIG TITTIES! SHIT! SHIT WHHOOORREEE!!!!

Foxy Says:
Brenda swearing in public is not big or clever and nobody is impressed with it. Saying things like 'arse' and 'upyourflaps granny' is not funny and indeed probably the sign of some warped dark side to your character,.....well done! top marks.
PS. can u send me a tape love


Dear Foxy,
My boyfriend has recently returned from a fortnights holiday with his brother in Spain. Everything seemed hunky dory until a few nights ago whilst he was undressing I noticed small red blotches on his skin and noticed that his manhood was ever so slightly bright blue at the tip. He says there is nothing to worry about and the night sweats are usual for someone so tall. I can be quite nervy I suppose I'm just asking for reassurance. Do you think I've got anything to worry about?

Doris stokes.
Brighton.

Foxy Says:
Doris, love I have checked of the symptoms you described in my medical dictionary (Collins, any Boots 9.99.) and according to that and my wealth of knowledge on the subject I would suggest you dump your boyfriend as he has Dutch elm disease and could melt in the heat. Move on and don't worry about his feelings, I'm sure he didn't worry about yours when he was shagging foreign trees!!
Foxy.


Dear Foxy,
I have been happily married to the same man now for near on twenty years now and apart from the odd violent blood curdling spat, things couldn't be better. Far more frequently, however he's wearing perfume with he says no special place to go, but when I ask if he'll be coming back soon he just says,.."I don't know"! Now I'm a woman of many wishes and I do hope my premonition misses
Etc. Etc.

Deidre Stapleton
Barry island.

Foxy says:
Deidre, for god sake love, stop listening to Stevie wonder!! Trust me it's affecting you quite badly.
Foxy.


Dear Foxy,
My wife has been shagging the milkman, what can I do?
Jeremy Kyle
Luton.

Foxy says:
Try and get a few free pints!!


Dear Foxy:
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend now for 18 months and we have had a great time and I wouldn't want to spoil it she is a lovely girl and unlike my previous girlfriend she's fully limbed and of sound mind. Of late, though her sister Suzy (who has a fat arse) has been coming on to me, you know the stuff, gently pushing up against me in enclosed spaces, racy comments and last night she grabbed my old man through my shorts in the bathroom. What should I do. I love my girlfriend but sue (and her fat arse) are tempting me beyond belief!!
Duncan Goodhew.
Clapham common.

Foxy says:
As a pair of grown adults you should sit down with Suzy and explain that although you find her devilishly attractive, the way her pert breasts bounce underneath her skimpy tops etc (not to mention her fat arse) you are unfortunately in a relationship with her sister and would never think of destroying the trust that you have weaved between you both delicately over the last 18 months... If that fails pork her stupid and change your phone number.